Saturday, 30 September 2006

this was emailed to me from Adventurer....

NEW YORK-- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General AlbertoGonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man,who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons ofmath instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret codenames like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, '"There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

" When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given usmore fingers and toes."White House aides told reporters they could not recall amore intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Friday, 29 September 2006

Howwwwwl! Bring On The Full Moon!

I missed Thursday evening coffee. Poor Adventurer wasn't quite herself. My piano teacher is going off to have a baby and so this was her last lesson for a few months. Our Barista from the coffee shop (my un-named night-time coffee shop.) has changed shifts and a new crew of less generous individuals have taken over. They actually charge us for the coffee. Even the Starbucks crew (my daytime coffee shop) hasn't pitched in a free one in what seems like eons. I even hear that they are going to raise their prices by .05. What....your coffee isn't already costing me enough?!

I found my bunny ears sitting on a bedside table last evening. One of the house monsters must have deposited them there in passing, thinking I looked like I needed to get out for a good coffee and enhancement of lawn ornamentation.

Where is this world going to? Is it Karma? Is this something cyclical? And to add salt to a wound, it's miserable outside. All I can say is when is the next full moon?! That will shake things up.

As a nurse, many, many years ago, I did a float shift on a Psychiatric ward. I was fully in uniform at the time (unlike the regular ward nurses.)I stood out like a glaring beacon of white in a sea of blackness. And yes, it was a full moon to boot.

Now they say that the moon really doesn't have anything to do with the behavior of human kind....poppycock!!!! It was a full moon on this particular night. You should have been there THAT night when the elderly lady was moaning because somebody cut off her penis! And the well spoken young man wouldn't take half his meds because....and here he lost me. It had something to do with quantum physics though. Then there was the gentleman who found the elderly lady's missing appendage. It was attached to him unfortunately. Too bad for her.

I'm not saying I want that kind of confusion brought on me, but do you know I've been to Walmart three times of late and not one 'interesting' individual found their way to me! Is the world going all normal on me? Where's the full moon....bring it on!

....darn, it's not until the 7th of Oct. Sigh.

Wednesday, 27 September 2006

Wednesday Funnies

I have no idea if I've posted these yet or not. A neighbour sent them to me and since my brain is chocolate depleated (yes, I'm attempting the impossible yet again, to give it up.) I haven't got more than a couple of neurons firing. I'm also low on energy and therefore don't want to expend precious reserves to go back and check.

My brain is pretty much a blank slate of late, but not to worry. I'm heading off to Walmart to do some shopping. If that doesn't invite craziness and mayhem to find me, I don't know what will. Enjoy...or don't.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?""It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"She said - "That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?A: A Rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Monday, 25 September 2006

Monday's Beat The Bus -- Fear Factor Style

Alllllright contestants. On todays beat the bus our family will be required to take caution while attempting to beat the bus, thus avoiding time consuming and potentially dangerous obstacles along the way. Can they do it? Let's just see.

5 minutes on the clock please as we play ....."Beeeeat the Bus!"

Perp: "Let's go! The bus is going to be here in 5 minutes! Let's get the lead out people!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "I said let's go!!!!!!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "I'm going ahead out to the bus!"
1-4: No dissernable movement in the house.
Perp: "No computer priviledges on the weekend if you don't.....umph!"
2 of 4: "Mom, are you ok, why are you lieing on the floor like that! We're going to be late for school!"

at the bus stop, as the bus drives past the end of the street to circle around the block....

3 of 4: "Oh no! I forgot my toy!"
Perp: "you don't have time to get it"
3 of 4: "Waaaaahhhhh! But I want it!"
Perp: "Too bad, so sad. You'll need to get yourself together earlier next time."
3 of 4: "But I can beat the bus! I'll go reaaaallly quick!"
Perp: "You miss the bus and there'll be big trouble! And I mean BIG!"

Faster than the speed of light....well, maybe faster than the speed of the neighbours dog....well, on second thought maybe not. He thinks it's a game. He's gaining on her, he's getting closer...closer....closer! He jumps..... he scores!

He sets 3 off balance, she stumbles, she stumbles, she slows, she gets her legging, she's up and running again! OH! But wait! It seems she's wearing flip-flops! With socks no less....oooooh! She trips on a flip of the flop. Bad fashion choice for today 3! And shame on you Mom for letting her make that decision! Especially the socks! tsk, tsk!

Here comes some further interference from down the street! A neighbour just entered the course and is assisting 3 to get up and brushed off. Three is angry, screaming and appears in pain, but has enough stregnth to beat off the kindly, helpful, neighbour. Ooooh! Three! Should you be calling her that?!

Mom is standing, stunned, up the street! Is she going to make a move? She appears to be....yes, turning red! She is embarrased about the beating the neighbour is getting. She starts to run towards 3. She apologizes, she grabs three and hugs her....

Perp: "Suck it up princess! Get your butt in that house NOW and get that toy or else! BIG TROUBLE!"

3 of 4 takes off again, here comes dad to see what all the yelling is about....Mom shoots him a dirty look! He knows not to provide further interference. Mom heads back to the bus. It doesn't look good for the team. Mom's shoulders slump in defeat. She sits on the curb. The neighbours dog comes and gives her a full contact face wash! Ooooh! Salt in the wound puppy!

But wait! Here comes three of four, with a stellar smile....well, she's still sobbing slightly, but with a stellar smile! Oh no! Here also comes the bus! Is she going to make it?

YEA! She just makes the bus! (but only because the driver sees the scrapped, sobbing child and decides to slow to a fast crawl.) Mom tosses the child on the bus as it passes.....another successful game.

Ok Vicki, lets tell Perp what she has you have won an all expense paid trip to your house with you're little 4 year old neighbour! You and you're neighbour will have a fun filled morning cleaning fish tanks and playing on kids web sites. If you're really good, you get a coffee later in the afternoon. Congratulations Perp!

God Help us! It's only Monday!

Wednesday, 20 September 2006

This is from Deb at A Simple Country Girls Dream

Nicknames: no. I have no names with nick in them.

Favorite Drink: Non-fat, no whip, decaf, half sweet peppermint mocha latte. (deep breath) and make that a venti please.

Tattoos: yes. I accidentally stabbed a pencil into my finger in grade school and the mark still exists. It's a blueish colour.

Body Piercings: just my ears. Do fillings in my teeth count?

How much do you love you job 0-10:10 but don't tell the other half of we that.

Birthplace:The delivery room in the hospital. My Mom was there. I'm sure it was wonderful. The fact that she cried because I wasn't a boy doesn't bother me a bit. Sniff.

Favorite Vacation Spot:I don't go on vacation. Only Vicki does.

Stolen any traffic signs: No, they are usually attached to the other drivers and I'm not about to go and grab someones middle finger.

2 door or 4 door? My house has 2, car has 4 and bike has none.

Salad Dressing: No. I prefer to dress lawn ornamentation. Specifically gnomes.

Pie: Cow

Favorite Movie: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Favorite Holiday: Christmas

Favorite Food: HAHA! I'll let you guess that one.

Favorite Day Of The Week: Thursday

Soap: (Now I just want to point out here that this says soap. Deb answered Tomato. ??? Does she like tomato soup or soap.) Baby's own. That's my favourite soap, not soup. I like tomato soup too....but not as a soap.

Toothpaste: No all my teeth are stuck in there on their own. I have known someone though who crazy glues his tooth in everytime it falls out. I expect he'll be dead soon.

What do you do to relax: sleep

Where do you see your self in 10 years: In a mental institution being visited by my four teenaged daughters and their biker gang, drug dealing boys friends and 15 kids. OK. Maybe they won't visit. That's just a pipe dream on my part.

What do you do when bored: I won't ever admit that I'm bored because something bad always happens when I do and I get reallllllly busy. Usually involves someone throwing up or bleeding, so I'm always entertained......whether or not I really am.

Now your turn.

Tuesday, 19 September 2006

After reading Rainy Pete's Unbalanced World, and following his links I used the "Voices of Many" translator set at buccaneer (pirate) to come up with the following adapation of an earlier post. It was worth it.

The other half o' we walked in the door yesterday afternoon after work. Two o' Four Greeted him with, "Hi Dad. How be yer game today." (As in golf.)

I think that I BE HAVIN' been a bit too understan'in' o' a wife. Altho he be indeed workin' yesterday, he does tend t' spend a lot o' time at the drivin' range an' at golf courses.

Befere ye say 'tis nay true Mr. Perp. Yer daughter just confirmed it fer me. Smirk.

On the opposite side o' thin's, one o' our Pastors came int' Chapters an' wasn't at all suprised t' see me sittin' on me butt in Starbucks sippin' on me Tall, non-fat, decaf, no whip, half sweet peppermint mocha latte.

If ye can't find me at home, just call thar or the fish store an' I'll get the message sometime durin' the day;-)

The "sippin' on me tall.....latte." particularily cracks me up in pirate. Sigh. I need a job or a hobby or something.

P.S. Thanks Pete! That was a lot of fun. I'll never read a news site the same way again.

Monday, 18 September 2006

I got a letter from the New Yorker magazine telling me that I had come in Fourth place in their photo captions contest. I was quite disappointed, because the first three picked ahead of me weren't even funny! It was because I was Canadian and they only accept submissions, funny or not, from Americans. That sucked big time,.............and then I woke up.

I heard my daughter rummaging around upstairs so, since I was awake I decided to go up and see what was the matter. She was feeding my best chocolate chips to my fish. Apparently they are only poisonous for dogs and they are really good for fish. Then she was feeding the big fat now hollow chocolate fish in my tank to Spotty, who was using the tank as his personal toilet. I did find this a bit disturbing.......and then I woke up.

I awoke to yet another lively game of beat the bus. Even though they moved the stop down the street, I have the advantage over "Speedy" and her haphazard ways. I have grown sticky pads on the fingers and soles of my feet. Like a tree frog. I can run, jump, grab the bus and hand on, banging on the windows until she stops................and then I woke up.

I was sitting in my Dentists chair getting frozen to the teeth (baha!) while he took out these horrendous drilling apparatus' and stretched my face like it was silly putty. My filling apparently needed to be replaced by a gargantuan one that felt like it took up my whole mouth. Although usually a gentle soft spoken fellow, he was laughing at jokes being told by other staff around the office and causing me great pain, the likes of which I have never felt before in his office, or in anyones office. Even during gum surgery I never felt this bad! I wish I could wake up. But this was not a dream. CRAP!

I like my dentist....lucky for him. If I didn't, I was thinking how much fun it might be to eat garlic bread and spaghetti and maybe a bit of curry before my appointment. Some navy beans might also be an appropriate choice to spice up the atmosphere. Then Que sera sera baby!

I mean, who in there right mind....or my insane one for that matter, would pay $269.00 to give them such agonizing pain. Don't answer that! It's just a rhetorical question.

If you'll excuse me, I sure could use a tylenol.

Friday, 15 September 2006

Dear Adventurer,

That chocolate didn't stand a chance! Not one of the bars made it home. That was the best tasting stuff I've had in a long, long time! At least since the last Kaluha cake you sent over.

I feel now that fall approaches, it's time to go and make fun of lawn ornamentation again before the snow hits. Our regulars are going to feel rejected if we don't at least pay a halloween visit.

Perpetual Chocoholic

Thursday, 14 September 2006

...and I bet you thought I wouldn't post a clearer view Anon;-)
I feel like I'm the photographer for "Play Rat" magazine.

Monday, 11 September 2006

Spotty "Potster" the Rat

Did I lie?

Note: No rats were harmed in the taking of this picture. Humiliated and a little annoyed, but not harmed.

Saturday, 9 September 2006

The other half of we walked in the door yesterday afternoon after work. Two of Four Greeted him with, "Hi Dad. How was your game today." (As in golf.)

I think that I've been a bit too understanding of a wife. Although he was indeed working yesterday, he does tend to spend a lot of time at the driving range and at golf courses.

Before you say it's not true Mr. Perp. Your daughter just confirmed it for me. Smirk.

On the opposite side of things, one of our Pastors came into Chapters and wasn't at all suprised to see me sitting on my butt in Starbucks sipping on my Tall, non-fat, decaf, no whip, half sweet peppermint mocha latte. If you can't find me at home, just call there or the fish store and I'll get the message sometime during the day;-)

Thursday, 7 September 2006

Ahh, the innocence of a child. This masterpiece was an bold attempt at a lifelike drawing of Three of Four's pet rat "Spotty." Three is seven years old. Spotty is 5 months old and is a male. Obviously.

I explained to Three that when you draw a portrait, you need to keep your audience in mind....mainly her three sisters and parents, and that it didn't need to be quite so anatomically correct. She told me it wasn't. She felt her drawing didn't truely reflect the true likeness of his......boys. They are bigger. She is right. They are about a third of his total body size. They put most men to shame and make women blush.

So here he is in all of his glory, standing up on his hind legs, sending you all a hug.